Are we there yet?

The list of things that I have tried to encourage labor is getting longer by the day. The list of things that have worked so far is non-existent.
Here, in no particular order (and with a few items left out for privacy's sake) is what I have tried so far:

1. Eating spicy food...Not a bad experiment, and Texas Pete hot sauce goes really well on a number of foods.
2. Walking. And walking. And walking some more. All this has done was encourage my feet to swell and my knees to make funny creaking noises.
3. Stretching in various gravity-friendly yoga poses. And squatting--what?! It opens up your pelvis.
4. Positive thought--tougher than it sounds. Goes a little something like this: Open up, friendly cervix! It is time for you to get to work, efface and dilate--I know you can! Because if you don't I'm shipping you to Tanzania on the first possible flight you lousy good-for-nothing useless body part!
5. Foot massages. While nice don't seem to have the desired effect.
6. Shopping. Maybe being in a public place will cause the embarrassment of ruptured membranes? (SPLASH! "clean up on aisle 5")
7. Cleaning and doing mounds of laundry. Perhaps the repetitive action of washer-to-dryer will spark something?

See the thing is this--if I go into labor then I can get my husband back out of the field. Otherwise I'm on my own for longer than anyone in my condition should be, because the Army owns my husband. That's the deal you make when you join. And to be fair to other Army wives, at least he's stateside. But that doesn't change the fact that I am very pregnant and overly emotional and just want what I want when I want it...dammit.

And now I am going to bake some bread--it's a multiple hour process that depends heavily on the timing of things being just so. Maybe that'll do it.